10 Ordinary Things That Make Nervous People More Nervous

Having a vivid imagination is both a blessing and a curse. If you are in a creative business, it will work to your advantage and people will think your ability to come up with new, out-of-the-box ideas is pure genius!  But when that same imagination takes hold during everyday life, you may be judged differently. Being a creative person who has had my share of unfounded nerves and the occasional panic attack, I know how bad it feels to have others say things like, “You worry too much!” or “It’s nothing! What’s your problem?”  What’s my problem? My problem is that I see impending doom more vividly than you do friend!

Here are ten ordinary things that make nervous people more nervous – see if you can relate to any! (For the record, they will also make the same nervous people laugh, when their nerves aren’t running the show.)

1. Threat of Snow

Meteorologists must love the control they have over nervous people, knowing that the second they stand in front of that map and say, “We may have snow…” hundreds of people panic and head to the nearest store for milk, toilet paper and comfort food. While they are often wrong, a nervous person knows, “They might be right!”

2. Traffic Jams

Some people can sit in traffic every day with no problem, they know it’s a fact of life. Traffic jams instantly make me hungry, thirsty, worry that I will be late and need to pee. If I’m in a traffic jam in hot weather, I also worry that my car will overheat and I’ll die of exposure.

3. Public Speaking

While many people get antsy at the thought of speaking to a large group, nervous people can break out into a sweat talking to their book club. Will every intelligent thought escape their brain the second they open their mouth or will what comes out make sense? My palms are sweating just thinking about it.

4. What to Wear to a Party

Parties are supposed to be fun. But the second a nervous person is invited to something she or he hasn’t been to before, the stress begins. “What should I wear? What will others wear? What if I’m too dressed up or too casual? Do I bring a hostess gift? If so, what?” The fear of standing out for doing the wrong thing takes hold like a death grip, often until the event is over.

5. An Unexplained Rash

Rashes happen. But when a rash appears on a nervous person or their child, their mind jumps to the worst case scenario. They add to the panic but doing research on the internet and proceed to diagnose a rare and often fatal disease. Does some anti-itch cream usually clear it up? Yes. But that doesn’t stop their wild imagination from wreaking havoc before the cream takes effect!

6. Entertaining

Like parties, having people over for dinner is supposed to be fun. But I can tell you from experience there can be a lot of pre-party panic. What should I cook and if I try something new, will it be good? How much food do I need? What kind of drinks? And the most stressful of all, for me at least, is trying to time everything to be done at the same time so everything can be hot and ready together. Let’s just say that Martha Stewart, I am not!

7. Noises on an Airplane

Airplanes are mechanical things. There are flaps, and gears and doors and wheels – things will make noise. But on most flights I take I end up telling someone with white-knuckles that the noises are not the plane about to break apart, it’s just the landing gear door opening and the wheels coming out so we can land safely.

8. Sirens

When I hear a siren, I get an immediate adrenaline rush and check to make sure I’m not speeding. My gut reaction, and that of many other nervous people, is to think the siren is about THEM. The average person calmly pulls to the side of the road and let’s whatever emergency vehicle is in a hurry pass. No paranoia, adrenaline rush or unfounded guilt – lucky them!

9. A Gas Tank Below Half-Full

I have friends who drive until the gas light comes on and they still don’t worry. They just remark that, “Oh, I need gas soon…”  SOON? You needed it about 100 miles ago! I was brought up to hit the panic button if the gas went below a half a tank. I guess my parents thought we might take a wrong turn and end up in the middle of nowhere without a gas station within 100 miles, so better safe than sorry.

10. Bees

People seem to be deathly afraid of bees or not at all – there is very little in between. Even most intellectually know that a bee will die if they sting you – so they aren’t flying around looking for people to sting – they still run, scream and flail at the sight or sound of a bee. That makes the bee panic and see them as a threat and the thing they dread most happens; they get stung.

Featured photo credit: Maxwell GS via flickr.com

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10 Fall Motivational Quotes

As the summer comes to an end, it is time to focus on work and getting things done. The fall is a beautiful time of the year to stay motivated because as you approach the end of the calendar an extra charge of energy and motivation can help you to achieve your goals. The best way to stay motivated is to learn from the people that have already succeeded.

Below you’ll find some inspiration from some of the most successful people humanity has seen. It would be great to read these quotes out loud to yourself in the morning as the days get short and cold, to ensure you make the most of this last third of 2015.

The following quotes have been meticulously chosen to reflect leadership across many different fields and industries, ranging from entrepreneurship, music, and cinema to sports.

1. “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” – Steve Jobs

2. “The last three or four reps is what makes the muscle grow. This area of pain divides the champion from someone else who is not a champion. That’s what most people lack, having the guts to go on and just say they’ll go through the pain no matter what happens.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

3. “Don’t Count the Days, Make the Days Count.” – Muhammad Ali

4. “Once a musician has enough ability to get into a top music school, the thing that distinguishes one performer from another is how hard he or she works. That’s it. And what’s more, the people at the very top don’t work just harder or even much harder than everyone else. They work much, much harder.” – Malcolm Gladwell

5. “Without passion, you don’t have energy. Without energy, you have nothing.” – Warren Buffett

6. “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” – Andy Warhol

7. “Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine.” – Elvis Presley

8. “Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” – Benjamin Franklin

9. “If you set your goals ridiculously high and it’s a failure, you will fail above everyone else’s success.” – James Cameron

10. “If you want to succeed you should strike out on new paths, rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success.” – John D Rockefeller

Do not only read these quotes once, or flip through them. You want to create real and lasting changes that will help you to achieve your goals for the year. Instead, print them and place them in a visible spot, somewhere where you look several times a day. Read them out loud and repeat them silently until they get stuck in your subconscious. Another trick is to pick the quotes from the list that you specifically want to focus on and use them as a wallpaper on your computer and other devices, such as your phone or tablet. The point is to look at them as many times as possible through the day and to internalize their meanings. Understanding and applying the insights from quotes from some of the most successful people in humanity can help you to approach life differently, which will bring you a step closer to achieving your own success. Motivational and inspirational quotes can be a great way to generate an extra bit of energy when your body needs it to keep pushing on in life- especially when the cold weather hits.

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10 Ways to a free upgrade to business class

The summertime is over but the period of the year for the true jet setters has arrived. If you can pack your bags and travel around the world in first class, you will feel like Frank Abagnale.

Not that long ago, it wasn’t a surprise when during a check-in or at the gate, a flight agent slipped you a new boarding pass with a very low row number. But times have changed. The ‘Catch me if you can’ period is no longer the scene and there are big challenges present to get a free upgrade.

Below you will find some industry insider tricks that you can use to greatly improve your chances of getting a free upgrade to the first cabin.

1. Get a miles card

Loyalty, a.k.a., spending lots of money and time flying with one airline. Try to always fly with a specific airline and join the frequent flyer club. When flights are oversold, airlines will first turn to their most frequent travelers. Same goes for complimentary upgrades. Even if it’s the lowest level, you still get rewarded first.

2. Know someone in an airline

It doesn’t matter if you’re best friends with the pilot or know the gate agent responsible for check-in. If you know someone who works high enough for the airline, chances are that he or she can get you a free upgrade.

3. Travel when no one else does

If business class is already sold out, it’s practically impossible to receive an upgrade. Travel when there is a low volume of business class passengers, and you greatly increase your chances. Commuters tend to be frequent flyers and receive priority. Try to travel during mid-day, mid-week or weekends rather than early mornings or late afternoons.

4. Dress well

Dress to impress. No airline wants a chump sitting in business class. AAirlines want first and business class people to look a league above, so make sure that you do, too. You don’t need to look like a Wall Street banker or Hollywood actress, but dress well.

5. Be nice

Compliment the flight assistant at check-in with a big smile. Be complimentary, but don’t overdo it. Be patient and make a quick connection. Then, politely ask for a complimentary upgrade.

When making your request, use the word “because”, and then insert a legit reason (such as an early meeting when you land or a recent unfortunate event).

6. Be late or early

If airlines need to move passengers between cabins they will generally know within several hours before the flight. So, being an early bird will pay off. Likewise, last minute passengers might have the same luck if more passengers show up than expected.

Never show up the same time as everyone else if you want to opt for a free upgrade.

7. Fly solo

Flying on your own will greatly increase your chance of receiving a complimentary upgrade. In fact, I’ve never received an upgrade when flying accompanied – only when traveling alone. It is much easier to upgrade a single person and your mobility can be used for the airline to make room for other passengers.

8. The honeymoon or anniversary trick

Traveling with your loved one? Mention that you are on your honeymoon trip or traveling to celebrate an anniversary. This works great at hotels and sometimes airlines will also bump you up to the next cabin if it is (or you pretend it is) your special day…

9. The penauts trick

Take a bag of peanuts and crush them underneath your seat. Press the flight attendant button and let them know you are heavily allergic to peanuts and that you’ve got penaut residue all over your seat. Then, ask for a re-accomodation. Within two seconds you might have a new seat and an apology. (Credit to Justin Ross Lee for this little trick.)

10. Check for breakages

It may not be typical, but if everything else has failed and you’ve got to get out of that uncomfortable economy seat, check for all the possible breakages that can take place. Perhaps the seat, seat belt or the entertainment system is broken. Also, check if your seat can fully recline. If not, log a complaint.

On packed flights, there might be no where else to put you than in the front cabin.

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10 Things You Should Avoid On The Road To Pursuing Happiness

We all define happiness differently, because we all live our own lives and we experience our own set of situations. However, there are certain facts about happiness that we can all relate to, no matter how differently we live our lives and no matter what we have experienced. Here’s a secret. Happiness is not about doing anything special, but more about choosing what not to do. Here are 10 things you should avoid on the road to pursuing happiness.

1. Too many expectations

Sure, we all have expectations. We wish that everything will always work the way we plan them to be. But the truth is, things will not always be the way we expect them to be. We can’t expect everyone to want to do things as we do. Each person’s experience and way of dealing with things is unique, so to expect others to do things the way we do is unfair to them. When we have too many expectations, we are not going to be able to work with others, because it will often cause conflict with others, and that will only give us more trouble than a peace of mind. If we can put our expectations aside, allow things to be what they are, and become what they need to be, we will be so much happier.

2. Comparing ourselves with others

We all know people who often evaluate their happiness by comparing themselves with others. They compare their income, their possessions, their status, their intelligence, their appearances, their success and so on. Jealousy is the thief of joy.

The truth is, there is no end to the comparison game. No matter who we compare ourselves to, there will always be someone out there who are better at doing what we did. Comparison puts our focus on the wrong thing and person. When we constantly compare ourselves to others, we are actually wasting our time and energy focusing on other peoples’ lives, rather than our own. Understand that we were not born to live other peoples’ lives. We can learn to enjoy what we are, rather than regretting what we aren’t.

3. Toxic people

Negative people are good at telling us what we are not capable of becoming, while influencing us to believe that what they say is true. They will not only drag our energy down, but also crush our dream by constantly reminding us of how impossible it is to get to where we want to be. Surrounding ourselves with these people will sabotage our happiness.

We can always choose who we want to spend our time with. We can spend our time with positive people who talks about ideas, who are willing to exchange information and who can provide us with useful knowledge. By choosing who we spend our time with wisely, we can gain so much wisdom which we can use to improve ourselves. Self-improvement plays a crucial part of our happiness, as we will find a better life’s purpose through the process.

4. Holding grudges

People often carry on grudges while having moral battles with the one who has done them wrong, casting themselves as the righteous and the other person in the wrong. What they don’t realize is that they waste too much energy on it, and eventually put themselves into a darker side of the situation. Whatever damage that the person causes cannot be undone, therefore holding on to it is only going to gradually damage you. One of the keys to true happiness is forgiveness. Letting go is the key to true healing, and that is where true happiness eventually emerges.

5. Self importance

Self importance is a product of fear. People who believe in self importance are afraid of losing their ego over anything else. They view themselves as an extremely important person, and expect everyone around them to put them as a priority in any situation. These behaviors will eventually damage their relationship with the people around them, and leads to an isolated life, since people will try to stay away from them. If we all learn to have gratitude towards the people around us, we will learn that what and who we are today are somewhat influenced by them. We will learn to appreciate the people and things we have, and live a much happier life.

6. Suppressing emotions

Holding back on our emotions might lead to depression. We might think that showing our emotions would make us vulnerable, but the truth is, a truly strong person is able to show all their emotions because they are not afraid to acknowledge that they are only human, and that is is absolutely okay to feel. When we are open to our emotions, and are honest about them, we are setting ourselves free from the heavy emotional burden that are otherwise buried inside of us. A truly happy person allows themselves to feel every emotion and appreciate being alive. We have to experience all emotions in order for us to appreciate happiness.

7. Worrying too much over the future

There are many other ways to secure our future than to be worrying over it. It is so important to value each moment of our lives since we only live once. To worry over the future takes away our precious moments, because we are too distracted to enjoy living the here and now. We can set goals and be productive to secure our future. Enjoying the here and now contributes so much to our happiness as it ensures that we don’t miss out on our little happy moments that accumulated to a fulfilling life.

8. Putting others down

Some people think that putting others down will boost themselves up. There is a saying that blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make your’s shine any brighter. People criticize and put others down so they can have the feeling of superiority, so they can hide their own insecurities. Judging others don’t define who they are, it only defines who we really are. Strong people don’t put others down, instead they lift them up. Instead of putting people down, we should inspire somebody, improve somebody else’s life for the better, and make someone smile.

9. Blaming

To blame our faults on someone else is a fairly convenient way to get away from trouble. But what we don’t know, is that when we put the responsibility on someone else, we are actually putting ourselves at risk of not having the control over our situation. We become the victim of our circumstances, since we are not able to manage our situation because we are not in control.

We also lose the opportunity to learn from our problem and grow from it. When we stop blaming others, we begin to discover who we truly are. We will find peace within ourselves when we realize that our happiness are entirely our own responsibility. When we learn to overcome our problems with courage, we will find ourselves in a much peaceful, fulfilling and happier life.

10. Rushing

It is important to know that we are the ones who create the time pressure for ourselves. It might seem like we are often running out of time, but the truth is, if we manage our time efficiently, there is always enough time in the day. What we can do is to set priority to things that matter more over things that are less important to us. We can’t have all the time in the world, and we can’t do everything we want to do at the same time. But we can manage our time, set priorities, and try to get the other things done when we have the time and opportunity to do them.

Rushing over things is not only bad for our health, but often cause us more chaos than decent accomplishment towards our plan. Once we stop rushing through life, we will be amazed at how much more life we have time for. A healthy and well-balanced life is crucial in our pursue of happiness.

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7 Ways to Wake Up Happy

For most of us, waking up is hard to do. The internet is full of articles encouraging us to embrace our inner early bird, imitate successful tycoons who are rising at the crack of dawn, and increase our productivity by getting in a full day’s work before our actual day has even begun! You probably already know the classics: putting your alarm clock far away from your bed; getting a full night’s sleep, but here are some lesser known ideas that just might make your start of the day so much happier!

1. Laughter

Laughter isn’t just the best medicine; it’s the best wake up call as well. When I was paying my way through university, I once had a total of 12 part-time jobs along with a full degree course-load. One of my regular jobs had me home at 1 a.m. every morning, whilst my next shift needed me up by 6. Needless to say I was in desperate need of some way to jerk my brain into action. The trick I found was to switch on my computer and stream some YouTube videos of my favourite stand up comedy. As I was getting ready, the jokes I was hearing would invariably provoke a chortle, then a chuckle, then an all out peal of laughter and before I knew it, endorphins were racing through my system and I was good to go! If you can’t muster the strength to laugh, try thinking of something that makes you smile.

2. Light & Fresh Air

If you live near the equator then natural sunlight is your best friend. Those of us further north or south can utilise the early morning sun during the summer months, but have to make do with artificial light in the winter. Whatever its source, exposing yourself to light as soon as you get out of bed will trigger your body’s natural tendency to associate daylight with being awake and alert.

If you’re feeling really groggy, there’s nothing like a breath of fresh air to clear your head and your lungs. If you can, go for a walk, but make sure you’re not too covered up. Colder, slightly bracing temperatures are better for keeping you awake as they force your heart to work harder to keep the rest of your body warm. If you can’t go out, then opening a window or door to let in some fresh air should do the trick.

3. Reward yourself

One of the best ways to do something you just don’t feel like doing is creating an immediate, gratifying incentive for doing it. If you’re dreading the sound of that alarm clock every morning, plan something exciting as a reward for obeying its wretched call and actually getting out of bed. Food is one of my favourite rewards, and I usually set up the breakfast table with my favourite china (I’m old school like that), and plan a scrumptious breakfast of pancakes, oatmeal or a classic English fry-up. Other ideas could be a work-out, if you’re an exercise nut, or a nice soak in a luxurious bubble bath… whatever works for you

4. Streamline your Morning Routine

I would imagine this goes without saying but plan ahead as much as you can. You don’t want to associate waking up with stress and last minute panic. Streamline your morning routine as much as you can. Get as much done the night before as possible: your outfit, your bag, your lunch, any items you need with you for the day, kids’ clothes and belongings if you have them. You may find that as your morning routine becomes more of a breeze you might actually begin to look forward to getting up and starting your day.

5. Get Talking

Talk to someone. Anyone. One of the easiest ways of jump starting the little grey cells is by engaging in conversation, ideally with a responsive participant, although even a pet or a plant will do if you’ve got enough to say! Talking gets you listening, interpreting and responding, all activities which naturally and gently get your brain into gear for the upcoming day.

6. Go to Sleep with a Full Bladder

One surefire way to get yourself out of bed when you feel the quilt has taken you hostage is to let nature play its hand. You should be drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day anyway, but try drinking at least a large glass just before falling asleep. If you’re in good health, you might just find nature’s own call to be the natural alarm clock you’ve been needing.

7. Make your bed

I’m a fan of gorgeous bed linen. I love the look of a cosy bed covered in throw cushions and a fabulous eiderdown. I feel seriously guilty getting into my bed once I’ve gone through the effort of making it, as I usually make it hotel-style (sheets taut enough to bounce pennies), so I usually avoid napping during the day for fear of messing up my good work! If you can, on any level, relate to that, then try making your bed as soon as you get up. That way, if you’re even a little like me, you might find it easier to resist climbing back in, and you might even get a nice little congratulatory feeling of having gotten something done so early in the morning!

Above all, remind yourself of why it is, you are getting up, whether it’s a personal goal or an unavoidable need, and use that to motivate yourself on those really tough mornings. Experiment to find whatever works for you and you too will surely find yourself waking up happy!

Featured photo credit: Morning Coffee via imcreator.com

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How to Use Technology for A Healthy Long Distance Relationship

Being in a long distance relationship can be an exciting adventure full of travels and adventures, but it can also be a daunting and exhausting process at times.

It’s always worth looking at ways to spice up your relationship and keep things fresh for anyone partnered up, even if they’re not in a long distance relationship. With the super influx of modern day technologies and the various apps available on the market, there have never been as many creative ways to keep things fun.

Thankfully, FreeDating.co.uk looked at some of the most useful and adventurous ways we can use technology when in a long-term relationship. If you both live on the opposite sides of the country or world, how about both going on a romantic stroll around your favorite local destination via Periscope? There’s also the Gaze app which lets you Netflix & chill in perfect sync over a video call.

Have a look at the infographic below for some more handy ways to use technology within your relationship.

Featured photo credit: Garry Knight via flickr.com

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5 Tips For Managing Social Media for Your Business

If you are active in multiple social media, juggling them may quickly turn from entertainment into a nightmare. Managing several accounts on different platforms is tiresome, time-consuming, annoying and tends to decrease your overall efficiency. So, if you want to go on using more than one accounts and benefit from it, it may be a good idea to learn certain strategies that will save your time and energy.

1.      Direct Your Efforts

Don’t overextend yourself and have an active account in every new hot social network. There are only so many hours in a day, and even if your business is really dependent on its online presence, you cannot dedicate all the time to social media. Choose several of them that are most likely to bring maximum results with minimal efforts. If a new forum or network requires a lot of work to establish a presence yet might provide only limited results, it is better to concentrate on something more efficient.

2.      Make Use of Tools

Luckily, we live in the age when every task dealing with digital technologies is sooner or later automated or at least greatly simplified by new tools, software, and platform improvements. So, if you have more than one social media accounts to manage, you should take the matter into your own hands and choose an array of tools that will take the burden off your shoulders. If you are not sure where to start, try out one of the resources dedicated to collection and reviewing your accounts.

3.      Schedule Posts in Advance

If you have to update multiple social media accounts regularly, especially if you do it many times a day, you are spending massive amounts of time and effort on trivial things: logging in, logging out, clicking on the necessary links, posting and so on. Each of these tasks is small in and by itself, but they add up. Moreover, if you constantly switch from working for client to social media efforts and back again, it decreases your efficiency and leads to unnecessary distractions. A good way out is to schedule your posts – you can write all your posts for a certain period of time in advance and arrange them to be published automatically at specified moments.

4.      Assign a Specific Time for Social Media

Posting haphazardly and at random times consumes a lot of time, distracts you from other work and is, in general, less effective than setting aside certain times every day or every several days to sit down and update all your accounts. It allows you to concentrate on one task at a time and makes it easier to maintain regularity. When combined with scheduling, it gives you an opportunity to deal with a week’s worth of posts in one sitting without bothering to put them online manually.

5.      Establish a Specific Social Media Policy

If you’ve defined in advance what you do and don’t do on social media, what your reactions to various kinds of situations are, and how you respond to your followers and engage with them, it gets much easier to actually do all these things. When you have predetermined solutions to a wide variety of problems, less time is spent on thinking about how to deal with them, and more on doing something.

Of course, it is just a tip of the iceberg – there are innumerable ways of improving your efficiency on social media, both in terms of saving time and increasing the effectiveness of the work you already do. Social media is in need of constant assessment because it moves very quickly. And hopefully, with these tips as a basis, you will be able to find them on your own.

Featured photo credit: Social Media apps/Jason Howie via flickr.com

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10 Things to Know Before You Decide to Divorce

The decision to separate and divorce from your spouse can be one of the most stressful and pain-staking decisions you will ever make. Feelings of uncertainty, sorrow, grieving, denial, and guilt can paralyze you, and make you feel stuck. While there is no easy way to make this very difficult decision, preparing yourself for the emotions that lie ahead of you may help ease the burden when the time comes to have The Talk with your partner. Knowing what to expect when you and your spouse decide to end the marriage can also make this time a little less difficult.

1. Fear

You will be afraid to call it quits because you don’t know what lies ahead of you. You may be scared of the Unknown and because of this, you may tell yourself that you are comfortable even if you are miserable. You will will try to weigh the pros and cons of staying married, and tell yourself you can continue to endure your unhappy marriage. You will tell yourself lies and reason that you should stay together for the kids, for the finances, etc. But fact that you’re trying to bargain against your happiness indicates that something is wrong. You are bargaining because you are scared, but know that this is normal.

2. Insanity

Know that when the decision is make to split, the roller coaster of emotions you will feel is unlike anything you have ever experienced. Grief, pain, relief, heartbreak, confusion, and the desperation of wanting to be loved can feel like waking up every morning and learning that you are the only survivor to a nuclear war. Do not hide these emotions, but accept them and deal with them in a healthy manner. And once you do, know that there is a weight that will slowly start to ease from your shoulders—the same weight that you denied all this time when you told yourself nothing was wrong.

3. Desperation

Even if your self-esteem was in the dumps from your martial troubles prior to the split, know that it will shatter once the separation occurs. You may find yourself wanting to be loved and validated, desperate for attention that your spouse no longer provided. You will think that nobody will ever love you or want you again, and you may be tempted to to date immediately and latch on to the first person who catches your eye. Resist this urge to attach yourself, even if you have not had that romantic touch or intimacy for a long time. Trying to fill that void with another relationship robs you of the chance to heal, and may set into motion a cycle of dependency for you, when what you need is to be strong and focus on loving yourself.

4. Denial

You may tell yourself that you are find and holding up well, but do not mistake that complacency with merely bootleg up your emotions. You will need a support system: a therapist, a support group, good friends, the non-judgmental anonymity of online forums. Whatever combination of systems you choose should help you attain two objectives–creating a safe place for venting, while also helping you find constructive ways to cope with the divorce in a healthy manner. Do not convince yourself that you are better than that, stronger than that. You are human. Go talk to someone.

5. Overwhelm

You will feel like you are getting sprayed with an industrial fire-hose, especially at the beginning when you aren’t sure what you should be doing. The number of  “to-do’s” and “should-do’s” regarding emotions, finances, legal issues, custody, and other logistics will arrive with incredible urgency. Shifting prorates and conflicting advise may make you will feel paralyzed and overwhelmed.  Understand that splitting is a process and you don’t have to do everything at once. There will be things to take care of immediately (safety, shelter, income), things to address a little bit later (finding a good lawyer, mediator, and therapist) and there are things to address later on down the road (agreeing on a second separation plan, assuring you and your children are adjusting). You will need to remind yourself that divorce is like a marathon and it requires patience and persistence. Show compassion for yourself, even if things seem to take forever.

6. Anger

Understand that you can only control your behavior, and not your spouse’s.  For serious offenses (threatening harm, screwing with your finance), you should absolutely take action. But there will also be annoyances that may not endanger you, but still make you mad. It may seem like your spouse is gong out of their way to make your life as miserable as they can, which could result in a long, drawn-out, expensive, soul-sucking divorce for you, if you let it.  And although you can’t control their behavior, you can control how you react to it. Taking the high road, although not instantly gratifying, may save you future stress and drama. This will be easier said than done.

7. Being Reactive

You will be tempted to make decisions driven by emotion, rather than logic. You will constantly forget that divorce, boiled down, is a business transaction–a splitting of assets and incomes. The logical part of you will understand this, but the part of you that is hurt may spend months fighting over things that have nothing to do with money at all.  During the legal process, you will be forced to choose your battles. Choose wisely. You will need to learn that nobody wins in divorce. Otherwise, you will find yourself robbed of years of your life fighting in court, having spent tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees that could have been put to better use in your post-divorce life, and so emotionally distraught that moving on will be extremely difficult.

8. Discomfort

You will find yourself in new uncomfortable situations. There are too many to mention here. You may be re-entering the workforce. Your budget may be tight. Your children may have trouble adjusting and exhibit behavioral problems. You may find friends treating you differently, thinking for some reason your split means that their relationship is in jeopardy. Social situations where there are couples may make you feel lonely and miserable. Understand that you are not alone in all of these struggles and that there are infinite resources are out there to help you. Do not allow any of this discomfort to make you bitter.

9. Self-Pity

There will be dark times where you wallow in self-pity. You may cry and say to yourself, “my life was not supposed to be like this. I thought my marriage was perfect and we’d be together forever.” You maybe be ashamed and feel like a failure. Know that this is part of the grieving process, and understand that you must accept your circumstances have changed and adapt to them before you can learn how to heal and move on. You will learn that are not a prisoner to those circumstances, and you have the power to emerge a stronger person.

10. Empowerment, if you let it

You will learn that divorce gives you a choice.  You can choose to look at this split as a trauma from which you will never recover, and to be guided by anger and fear and and panic, or you can choose the path that takes more work–the path where you ask for assistance, get the support you need, educate yourself about every aspect of the divorce (and there are many), and understand that you will have the power to get through it all. No one can make that choice but you.

Featured photo credit: Riding the Train by Colin Logan via imcreator.com

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9 Ways to Pick Your Divorce Battles

When fighting through a divorce, it’s normal to feel like we are getting dragged through the mud for months—even years—wondering if it will ever end. Couples fight over almost everything—who’s responsible for paying off the credit cards, who gets the children during Christmas—the list is infinite.

So, it’s up to us to figure out what we want to do and how we want to approach the situation when the acrimony grows. In essence, we must learn how to pick our battles mindfully. Determining what and what not to fight about can be as tricky as navigating a minefield. But the following suggestions will help you to do so with less drama and stress.

1. Accept that it’s going to be confusing and weird for a while.

Do not beat yourself up when you feel frustrated during the split. Divorce is a messy business transaction that collides with emotions you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. If you feel confused and panicked, it’s because you’re human.

But in spite of the chaos, it’s important to remember that you will get through this, and you don’t have to let arguing define you.

2.  Understand that nobody really “wins” their divorce.

Culturally, we are conditioned to review divorce as an an “us versus them” transaction, where the two opposing sides must fight to get their way. Many high conflict divorce lawyers–knows as “gladiators,” will encourage their clients to fight for total control of the marriage’s assets, custody, etc. It’s easy to fall into this trap, but is it what you really want?

When you are forced to make business decisions during such an emotional time, you may act out of spite and try to “get back” at your spouse, extracting revenge. However, you must keep in mind that this will cost tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, inflict additional stress on you and your children, and possibly prolong your divorce. You may get the upper hand from a litigation standpoint–but at what cost to you, your emotional health, and your chance to move on with your life?

3. Ask yourself: Am I fighting over something I absolutely can’t live without?

Answering this question truthfully gives you a better understanding of what you feel is non-negotiable when choosing which battles to fight. Everyone’s situation is different, and each person must figure out for him or herself what is truly worth the time and emotional energy to battle over. These factors may include alimony, savings, child support, fair division of debt, temporary spousal support, and protection orders if there is any type of endangerment.

But remember, not everything during a divorce is something you need to survive.

4. What do my dependents and I need to ensure our security and well-being?

Think of this question as the bottom section of Maslowe’s Hierarchy of Needs. The foundation of the pyramid represents survival–the same things that we need to advocate for during the split. But remember, you must be completely honest with yourself. While you and your children may need temporary spousal support to make ends meet, that doesn’t necessarily include the gas grill that you really liked.

Remember–advocate for the things you and your dependents really need, not the things you think you are owed.

5. How can I prioritize the wants?

Divorces drag sometimes due to division of assets that have nothing to do with money. Legal battles have gone on as couples fight for possession of the things that hold sentimental value to both of them (family photographs, heirlooms). Although it wouldn’t leave you destitute to lose these things, you would feel deeply wounded, since they remind you of happier times. We may also make special demands as a way of exercising control.

This behavior is natural–because we are human and have emotions and and desires. But the key is to understand why we truly want these things, so we can prioritize and determine where to best spend our time and energy.

6. Why can’t I give this up?

The things you think you deserve are often based on emotion—many times, they are matters of the heart.

Two competent parents may fight over custody for months, because they both feel more entitled to the children than the other partner. One spouse may drag their feet, insisting they always get the children for Christmas, not necessarily because the other parent is incompetent, but because they are resentful of the divorce and somehow feel that they “deserve” this due to “what the spouse has put them through.”

If you find yourself trying to justify what you’re asking for because you think it is owed to you, pause and try to think objectively.

7. Am I fighting just because I’m angry and hurt?

Anger may cause you to project bitter feelings at our spouse in the only way you can—by “getting back” at them. You will find yourself in the lawyer’s office soliciting advice on how to “make the ex pay” for the hurt they have caused.

Although you cannot control how your spouse behaves during this process, you can work on acting rationally. Remember, the smoother the divorce goes, the faster the healing process can begin.

8. Am I fighting because I’m afraid of change?

One reason divorce is so tough is because it uproots what you thought was normal and does away with any sense of control you thought you had–over your life, your marriage, and your identity. When you’re trying to process those emotions and that sense of loss, you sometimes displace that lack of control and fight harder for things you still have a say over.

It’s normal to be afraid because you do not know the future. You fear venturing into the unknown. When you acknowledge that certain demands stem from fear, you can begin to face them head on.

9. How will this impact my future?

As we discussed in point two, it is important to remember that nobody “wins” during a divorce—a case can drag out for years with the only thing to show for it being a drained bank account, cashed-out 401ks, and stress inflicted on yourself and your children that may never be reconciled.

That is not to say you shouldn’t stick up for yourself. But before you begin a legal, emotional, and financial “Battle Royale”, you must consider how you will feel about this one, ten, and even twenty years form now.

If you are drained and broke after fighting, how can you start the new chapter in your life? You must balance advocating for yourself while fighting the urge to maintain an illusion of control that no longer exists.

Your lawyer may want you to fight for everything. Your friends and family may say the same. Your spouse may be acting unreasonably. Outside forces make it very hard to figure out what we should be asking and negotiating for during a divorce. But at the end of the day, it’s your decision what’s worth fighting for, and what’s worth letting go.

The key is to be honest with yourself, kind to yourself, and mindful of the new chapter in your life that you can look forward to once this difficult journey ends. Let those points guide you in spending your time, money, and emotional energy.

Featured photo credit: 1-800-Divorce/Stan Wiechers via flickr.com

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19 Things Little Sisters Forget To Thank Their Big Brothers For

When I was five years old, my brother held up an ordinary desk stapler and told me it was what the doctors used to close my chest during my heart surgery, that’s why I had the little half-inch scars under the “big” scar. He said they ran out of stitches so they grabbed the next best thing — a stapler. That damn stapler haunted me for what seemed like an eternity.

A few years later, he thought it would be funny to throw me off the top of the slide into the pool. Into the deep end, thankfully.

He put a snake in my Easter basket (I swear it’s true. It was the one year when snakes were more abundant than Easter eggs).

He once made me get out of the car and walk home… for five miles (he got in trouble for that one — big time).

He blamed me for things I didn’t do. Quite a bit.

The list is endless. But that was his job as my big brother. It’s what he was supposed to do when we were growing up. All that jazz helped create the bond we share today.

With all the silly typical sibling stuff behind us, I’d like to take a moment to remember all the amazing things my big brother did and still does do for me. He’s the best — and I really mean that — big brother ever. There’s no way to list everything, but I’ll put a few actions into words and, hopefully, he’ll take time from his day to read this and understand how much he means to me.

So, this is for all you big brothers out there. Here are a few of the things your little sisters want to say to you.

1. Thank you for being my first “dude” friend.

You taught me how to be friends with dudes. Whether it helped me understand things like sports or cars or a host of other talents, you gave me a good foundation to interact with the opposite sex. This came in handy later in life.

“Because I have a brother, I’ll always have a friend.”

2. Thank you for teaching me things I couldn’t learn from Mom or Sis.

Things like how to play Atari games, or how to ride the Big Wheel off the roof into the pool, or how to have a party without mom and dad knowing. Or, when I was a freshman and you were a senior and you showed me around campus, helped me figure out my schedule, and introduced me to my teachers.

3. Thank you for driving me to and from school your whole senior year when I was a lowly freshman.

Especially when you were totally cool and lovin’ high school and I was … alternative… and hating high school. Yeah. That must have sucked, but you did it anyways and you were never embarrassed to cruise into the lot in your cool Volkswagon Scirocco with me in tow. Man, I loved that car. How come I got stuck with the station wagon?

4. Thank you for giving me confidence and courage I didn’t know I had.

Remember when I asked that senior to Sadie Hawkins (when I was still a freshman)? Okay, so we both knew he’d say no, but the point is you totally encouraged me to go for it. Not in a bad way either. You weren’t standing in the shadows, waiting to laugh at me. You were cheering me on. You were proud of my courage. He turned me down (politely) and, thanks to you, I totally survived the rejection. The end result is that Mr. Senior-Who-Said-No and I talked and laughed and joked the rest of the year in art class so, all in all, it was an awesome move on my part.

5. Thank you for covering for me.

So, I wasn’t an angel. You covered for me a few times. There are two times we still laugh at: the time I drove up the neighbor’s driveway and when I came home after hanging out with the college boys in Berkeley. You laughed your ass off, but you made sure I didn’t get caught. I’m glad I was able to return the favor… over and over again.

6. Thank you for having cute friends.

No brainer. Older brother = older cute friends. Damn, they were fun to look at, hang out with and, er, kiss. That’s all I’m going to say on that subject.

7. Thank you for always being my spare date on New Year’s.

It was always a blast to spend New Year’s with you. You’re an awesome date and there was never that pressure at midnight to kiss (ew). And if either one of us got hammered, it was cool. It didn’t matter if we ended up spending the night at each other’s places. No one had to do the walk of shame in the morning.

8. Thank you for being the strongest one at Dad’s funeral.

You hugged me and consoled me. You told us funny stories. With effortless beauty and grace, you recited O Captain! My Captain! by Walt Whitman, which moved people to tears. You let my husband hug me first, but you hugged me second when Dad was being buried. To this day, twenty years later, you still call me on the anniversary of Dad’s death to make sure I’m okay. Because I’m your baby sister.

9. Thank you for being my first superhero.

You always had a baseball bat or golf club by your bed, ready to kick some ass to protect me. Of course, having your black belt helped. And I was always impressed when you went all Bruce Lee on us with your nunchucks.

“Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero!” ― Marc Brown

10. Thank you for really caring, even though you sometimes acted like you didn’t.

I know… having a little sister was sometimes a pain in the ass. You acted like you didn’t care, but deep down I always knew you did care about me. You worried about me and you made sure I was safe and happy. You never wanted me to be hurt or sad.

“As we grew up, my brothers acted like they didn’t care, but I always knew they looked out for me and were there!” — Catherine Pulsifer

11. Thank you for all the talks.

You know the ones. When you talked about girls and came to me for advice or when I asked you about boys. You were there to pick up the pieces when some douchebag broke my heart. You never once rolled your eyes or complained. And you definitely supported me when I found “the one.” Even when it meant telling Dad I wasn’t going to that college he wanted me to go to.

“Here’s to real heroes, not the ones who carry us off into the sunset but the ones who help us choose our princes.” — E.M. Tippetts

12. Thank you for all the Saturday mornings together.

You and spent a ton of Saturday mornings in pajamas on the family room floor watching Saturday morning cartoons. Hey, that time wasn’t wasted. That was serious bonding time. Those Saturdays helped develop our friendship. Scooby Doo and French toast — nothing better.

13. Thank you for being the consistent guy in my life.

Before getting married, of course, you were the main guy in my life. You didn’t care how weird I acted or dressed. You didn’t care if I was blond one day or purple-haired the next. You thought my punk scene was intriguing, even though it was polar opposite to your popular world. You never failed me. I love you for that.

Even now, you’re second only to my husband. There’s no other guy I’d rather hang out with. You still “get” me.

14. Thank you for making awkward situations easier.

Anytime life gets awkward, whether it be with ex’s or people I’m not particularly fond of, you make it easy. You make the ex’s feel lame (in a nice way), you make me look good, and you make light of the situation. Whatever you do, I always come out looking fairly cool.

15. Thank you for being my family sounding board.

Oh my lord, thank God we come from the same family because no one understands the issues like you do. I’m perfect, of course. You recognize this, which is why I love you.

16. Thank you for dropping everything to be by my side.

In person or in spirit. Because we’re blessed to live close, for the most part, you’re able to be with me in person. You’ve been there for my wedding, when I needed your help during all my crises, and for the births of both my children. You’ve been there for both my children’s major heart surgeries (ALL of them) and for most of my surgeries. You’re the most supportive brother I know.

17. Thank you for being an amazing uncle.

Not only am I lucky to have you for a brother, but I’m even luckier to have you as my children’s uncle. You’re adored and loved beyond belief by my children. Not a day goes by that they don’t mention your name. Thank you for being a prominent figure in their lives. I couldn’t be happier to share you with them or to share them with you.

18. Thank you for being a great guy.

For real. You make being a guy look so easy. There are a lot of jerks out there. Thankfully, there is you. You cook, you clean, and you hold the door open for people in general. You also fix things, can live with or without sports, and look pretty darn cute in a tux. Most of all, you care about people. You care about the environment. You care about… kittens (OK, I added that one in because you do like itty bitty kitties and I think it’s freaking adorable). All of these things aside, it’s refreshing to know there are great guys out there and you are one of them.

19. Thank you for making me a sister.

I love being your sister. Enough said.

“To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.” — Clara Ortega

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10 Common Mistakes That Prevent You From Being Happy and Healthy Today, Backed by Science

I’m fascinated by the link between the way we live our daily lives and the health and happiness we enjoy.

There are choices that you make every day, some of which seem completely unrelated to your health and happiness, that dramatically impact the way you feel mentally and physically.

With that said, here are 10 common mistakes that can prevent you from being happy and healthy, and the science to back them up.

1. Avoiding deep and meaningful connections (like marriage, close friendships, and staying in touch with family)

Ultimately, the human experience is about connecting with other people. Connection is what provides value and meaning to our lives. We’re wired for it and research proves just that.

For example, people with strong social ties were found to be healthier and have a lower risk of death. Additionally, it was found that as age increases, the people with stronger social ties tend to live longer. And it seems that friendships can even help you fight cancer.

The benefits of deep relationships extend to marriage as well. Being in a long-term relationship decreases the risk of depression, suicide, and substance abuse. And one study of almost 6,000 people found that marriage led to increased longevity while never marrying was the strongest predictor of premature death.

Finally, multiple studies (here, here, and here) show that strong family ties are one of the primary reasons the people of Okinawa, Japan have incredible longevity despite being one of the poorest prefectures in the country.

What do all of these different studies tell us?

Connection and belonging are essential for a healthy and happy life. Whether it’s friendship, marriage, or family — humans need close connections to be healthy.

For more about the connection between loneliness and health, I suggest reading the New York Times best-seller Mind Over Medicine, which was written by Dr. Lissa Rankin.

2. Sitting all day.

You might want to stand up for this. The internet has gone crazy over this infographicthat describes the harmful effects of sitting all day.

The short version is that “recreational sitting” like sitting in front of a TV screen increases your risk of cardiovascular disease and death, regardless of your physical activity. Obviously, sitting at a desk for work isn’t too good either.

This troubling data doesn’t come from small sample sizes either. These trends held true in one study with 4,500 people, another with 8,800 people, and a final one with over 240,000 participants. If you’re looking for more details on the health risks of sitting,this New York Times article covers some of the basics.

3. Never stopping to just breathe.

A few years ago, I was speaking with a yoga instructor who told me, “I think people love my class because it’s the only time in their entire day when they just sit and breathe.”

That provides some interesting food for thought. From the time you wake up until the time you go to bed, do you ever take 15 minutes to just sit and breathe? I rarely do. And that’s a shame because the benefits of mindfulness and meditation are huge. Meditationreduces stress and anxiety. Meditation improves your quality of life and boost your immune system. Meditation has been shown to decrease anger and improve sleep, even among prison inmates.

4. Not joining a religion — or otherwise becoming part of a community.

There is an interesting and growing body of medical research that has discovered the positive health effects of religion and spirituality. The science doesn’t necessarily say that there is anything inherently healthy about religion, but it’s all the by-products that come from practicing religion that can make a big difference.

For example, people with strong faith often release control of their struggles and worries to a higher power, which can help to relieve anxiety and stress. Religious groups also offer a strong source of community and friendships, which is critical for health and happiness. In many cases, the strength of friendships formed with fellow believers can last for decades, and those strong personal ties are crucial for long-term health.

If you don’t consider yourself to be a religious person, then the lesson to takeaway from this body of research is that we all need a sense of belonging and community in our lives. It’s important to share your beliefs (whatever they happen to be about) with a community of people. People who have a community like that to lean on find themselves happier and healthier than those who lack that type of support.

As a starting point, you can read studies on the religion-health connection here, here, and here.

5. Ignoring your creative abilities.

Expressing yourself creatively reduces the risk of disease and illness while simultaneously strengthening your health and wellness. For example, this study from the Harvard School of Public Health revealed that art helps to reduce stress and anxiety, increase positive emotions, and reduce the likelihood of depression, along with many other benefits.

Another study, which was published in the Journal of Biobehavioral Medicine, discovered that creative writing improved the immune system response of HIV patients. For more ideas on why creating art is healthy, read this: The Health Benefits of Creativity.

6. Spending all day indoors.

Exploring the world around you — whether that means traveling to faraway lands or hiking through the woods in your area — provides a wide range of mental and physical benefits. For starters, the benefits of sunlight (and the negative effects of artificial light) are well-documented in research.

Additionally, researchers have begun to discover that wilderness excursions — known as “adventure therapy” — can promote weight loss, improve the self-esteem of people with mental illness, and even reduce the rearrest rates of sex offenders.

The central theme that runs through all of these studies is that exploring the outdoors and spending time in nature can increase the confidence you have in yourself and improve your ability to interact with others.

7. Spending your time consuming instead of contributing.

When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die.
—Eleanor Roosevelt

Contribution is an essential part of living a life that is happy, healthy, and meaningful. Too often we spend our lives consuming the world around us instead of creating it. We overdose on low quality information. We live sedentary lives and passively eat, watch, and soak up information rather than creating, contributing, and building our own things.

As I wrote in this article…

“You can’t control the amount of time you spend on this planet, but you can control what you contribute while you’re here. These contributions don’t have to be major endeavors. Cook a meal instead of buying one. Play a game instead of watching one. Write a paragraph instead of reading one. You don’t have to create big contributions, you just need to live out small ones each day.”

8. Working in a job that you don’t love.

As you might expect, it’s dangerous to work too much. In Japan, the overtime and workplace stress has become so bad that they actually have a label for the people who die because of it: karoshi, which literally means “death by overwork.”

Basically any way in which your job makes you feel stressed is bad for your health — unpredictable commutes, tension and disagreement with your boss or coworkers, feeling undervalued or unappreciated. Even working overtime increases the risk for coronary heart disease, independent of outside factors.

What can you do about it? No one strategy will work for everyone, of course, but the principles in The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor offer a great place to start.

9. Eating alone.

Brian Wansink, a Cornell professor and author of Mindless Eating, has written that when people eat alone they are more likely to have a large binge feeding. Additionally, diets suffer when people eat alone. Lonely diners tend to eat fewer vegetables and less healthy meals. It seems that we make less of an effort to eat well when we are by ourselves than when someone else is involved.

Given that an estimated one out of three people eat lunch at their desk, it’s easy to see how these little choices add up to big health problems over the long-term.

10. Believing that you are unworthy of health, happiness, and love.

Brene Brown is a researcher at the University of Houston and she has spent 10 years studying vulnerability. In recent years, her work has exploded with popularity as she delivered one of the most popular TED Talks of all-time and has written multiple best-selling books including Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection.

As Brown studied fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability, she discovered one key insight…

There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who struggle for it. And that was that people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging.

That’s it. They believe they’re worthy. The one thing that keeps us out of connection is the fear that we’re not worthy of connection.
—Brene Brown

If you allow your fear or vulnerability or shame to prevent you from showcasing your true self, then you will be preventing yourself from connecting fully with others. If you want to be able to move past fear, judgement, and uncertainty and into a healthier and happier life, then you have to give yourself permission first. You have to decide that you’re worthy.

For much deeper and more useful discussion of vulnerability, I suggest reading Brown’s books: Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection.

What Do You Need to Be Healthy?

Living a healthy life is about much more than just diet and exercise. Don’t forget about the 10 areas above because they play a significant role in your health and happiness.

As Lissa Rankin often says, “What does your body need to heal?”

In many cases it’s not a better diet or a new workout program, it’s one of these areas that might be impacting your health and happiness without you even realizing it.

Featured photo credit: Dawn Ashley via flickr.com

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There’s A Lot To Reflect On The Way We Date Today

Dating now is a game of selfish convenience.

Meeting potential lovers is now more convenient than ever.

Instead of going out to socialize in person, we can sit in the safety of our bedrooms mindlessly scrolling through an endless sea of dating fishes. We download as many dating apps as we can, beef up our profile with witty remarks or clever emoji chain in hopes that princess flattery or prince charming happens to swipe right as well. It’s created a vicious cycle of judgement making snap decision after snap decision based almost solely on six pictures or less.

This may seem completely harmless, but there’s a much larger issue lying just below the surface that needs to be addressed:

We’re losing the ability to communicate face to face.

One of the largest constraints in the early stages of dating, which can be catastrophic later in the relationship, is the way in which we communicate. With any form of digital communication you have, more or less, an endless amount of time to think and respond. You’re able to carefully craft messages or texts to be suave or sweet or funny or whatever emotion you’re trying to convey. This aspect of conversation is much more difficult to “wing” off the top of your head when the phone screen buffer is removed. Sure, people are shy. Sometimes the nervous tummy butterflies can get the best of you. However, at some point that shyness needs to be eliminated if there’s ever a hope of subsequent dates or sustaining a long term relationship. The only way to do that is talking to your partner’s face, not their Facebook.

Why?

If we communicate most of the time digitally, we’ll often share the wide ranges of emotion through digital formats, too. Jokes, sweet chatter, and a funny dog GIF are all enjoyable, but what happens when the other side of the spectrum is reached? What happens when we end up getting in a huge argument and are unable to discuss uncomfortable topics in person? Do you really believe that dealing with your relationship problems over the phone really alleviates the issue and brings you closer? Is that a healthy way of overcoming the inevitable confrontations relationships bring?

To take it a step further into the digital realm, since such a noticeable volume of millennials use dating and social media apps, constantly being on the phone invites your partner to question, pry, and be deeply insecure about how you’re spending your time on your phone both in their presence and not. And when we’re insecure, there’s really no telling what levels we might stoop to to find “truth”. Snooping without asking, causing senseless fights over nothing, and jumping to irrational conclusions can all result from spending too much time talking digitally and not enough literal face to face time.

Technology is not entirely to blame here.

The users of technology are. Technology will continue to evolve despite your relationship or dating successes or downfalls. I think one thing that’s important to know, aside from the dangers in too little face to face discussion, is communicating the importance (or lack thereof) of technology in the relationship. Some people find it extremely sexy not texting all day so they have something to talk about next time they go out on a date or meet for a movie at the other’s house. Independence in this way can be interpreted in two ways, though: ignoring (a.k.a. he or she isn’t really interested) or attractive (a.k.a. they have a life outside of me and I respect that). But in any aspect of the relationship, communication is key. No one can read minds or pick up telekinetic impulses.

For single women and men who currently use dating apps, like me, do you continue to swipe and Bumble after you meet someone really cool off a dating app? Or do you continue to send out horrific pickup lines with the hopes of a laugh and, fingers crossed, a date?

I think it’s not only respectful to the other party (that you’re presumably “into”) to deactivate your accounts on dating sites, but it’s also respectful to yourself. How much of a bummer would it be to be really stoked on time spent with someone only for them to find out that you’re still messaging several men or women on dating sites trying to get more hookups or meet ups? You’d look like a sleeze

No one wants to be a sleaze ball, and we all want sincere connection. Sadly, many of us continue to use these dating apps despite other people feel strongly about in the early stages because we enjoy the attention. When you match with someone attractive, or a cute boy sends you a sappy message, it feels good.

But what feels better is sincere connection with someone else. A connection that can only be established and maintained through consistent “IRL” face time.

The game of dating hasn’t really changed, but it’s a bit more intricate now when technology is mixed in. Let’s not let ourselves, our lovers, and our relationships fall victim to these electronic vices.

Featured photo credit: Let’s Do 52/latteda via albumarium.com

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8 Ways to Succeed at Your Next Job Interview

Going for a job interview can be incredibly nerve racking, no matter how prepared you are. However, you can minimize your anxiety by preparing yourself for every step of the process, beginning before you even set foot in the door. Above all else, you should always keep in mind that, if you’ve been called in for an interview, the company at the very least believes you’re qualified for the position on paper. Now you just have to show that your true persona matches the one on your resume.

1. Do your research

Throughout the days leading up to your interview, read up on everything you can find about the company. Read the website to understand the company’s mission, as well as its previous accomplishments. Check out the current employees’ profiles, as well as the type of clients you’ll be working with. Once you have a firm idea of what the company stands for, figure out how you fit into the mix. Remember: you might be qualified to do the job, but if your personality isn’t what the company’s looking for, you’re not guaranteed a position.

2. Dress confidently

Make sure you know what attire is expected for the interview. Regardless of what you’re expected to wear, make sure your clothes are ironed and spotless. Even if you know that you don’t have to dress too professionally on a regular workday, definitely do so for the job interview. Once you get the job, use discretion when “dressing down.” You don’t want to show up in jeans just because it’s Casual Friday, only to find out that just means you didn’t need to wear a tie. Besides, don’t you feel better when you’re all dressed up, anyway?

3. Come prepared

Don’t just come into the job interview with the shirt on your back. Bring extra copies of your resume and references, so that if you’re interviewing in front of a committee, each member has the necessary information in front of them. Also, bring a notepad so that you can write down any new information you learn throughout the process. It helps if your notepad is already full of the information you gleaned doing your own research, which will show you’ve done your homework before walking through the door.

4. Be punctual

The last thing you want to do is peel into the parking lot a minute or two before your interview is to begin. You should arrive at least 10-15 minutes early. This will show your prospective employer that you account for contingencies such as traffic, and are responsible enough to give up some of your time to ensure that you meet the company’s expectations. Use this time to check over your notes about the company, and to refresh in your mind the important points you want to stress about your abilities and accomplishments.

5. Be enthusiastic

During a job interview, you want to be Leslie Knope. Don’t be afraid of looking like a total geek. The interviewers want to know you’re dedicated wholeheartedly to the success of the company. Speak confidently about your abilities, goals, and aspirations. Make them confident that picking you for the position will be the best decision they could possibly make. Remember, they’ve already picked you to be interviewed based on your skills; show them you not only have the skills needed to perform the job, but you’re able to put these skills to good use.

6. Listen

There will also be times during the job interview that you’ll need to stay quiet and hear what the boss has to say. You want to be enthusiastic, but don’t be so excited that you jump the gun and interrupt them because you thought you knew what they were going to say. Show that you’re able to contain yourself and maintain a calm, collected persona even when your mind is racing with great ideas. This will show them that you’re a team player and not just out to make a name for yourself.

7. Ask questions

As mentioned before, you should have a list of questions prepared for the interviewer that you might have still had after doing your research. If you’ve been taking copious notes throughout the job interview, you probably have even more questions than when you began the process. Asking these questions is imperative. Find out how the company gauges success, what the previous person in the position you’ll possibly inherit is doing now, and what goals you’ll want to set upon being hired. This will solidify the notion that you already see yourself as a good fit in the company and want to hit the ground running as soon as possible.

8. Follow up

After the job interview is over, it’s essential that you reach out to each and every member of the interview committee to express your gratitude. Remember, they took time out of their busy schedule to get to know you better, so even if you don’t get the job, you still owe them for the opportunity they gave you. You also want to reach out to ensure that they know as much about you as possible. If you didn’t get a chance to mention an accomplishment or experience from your past that you think would help them make a decision, you have one chance left to wow ‘em. Make it count!

Featured photo credit: GK_VermRS_42-15696056-ROLAND-Versicherung.jpg / Pressbox.de via farm7.staticflickr.com

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Become A Productivity Ninja — Use An Online Calendar: Teamup

One of the biggest struggles of working in a team is keeping track of updates and new developments. To be always in the loop, it’s best to monitor any movement in the organization that’s relevant to your team. With those alone (unfortunately there are others), I won’t blame you if you fret and worry. On a lighter note though, I have good news for you! An app suitably called Teamup, has you covered. Teamup makes it easy as frying eggs to schedule events and to share them with your team. That way, you can focus on more important tasks making you more productive.

Right off the bat I’ll point out something you’d be excited to know. If you’ve been using Google Calendar, you’ll feel comfortable with Teamup’s interface immediately. Like Google Calendar, you’ll see a mini calendar at the top left corner; right below it you’ll find a list of calendars; at the top-right you’re given options to check several calendar views. Lastly, on the remaining space you can view the actual calendar. A teammate pointed out something I didn’t notice: Teamup calendar looks more optimized compared to Google Calendar; it utilizes the big space Google throws away in its monstrous header. Moreover, I have observed, the general color scheme and the calender’s visual hierarchy is way clearer than Google Calendar.

Creating an event is a breeze

It’s easy to create a new event on Teamup. Just click on a specific date on the calendar where you want to schedule your event and a pop-up window will appear automatically (like the one shown below). Then you can add any detail you need to include; bits of information such as a topic, attendees, venue, duration, and all the details you need to show your teammates can be filled in easily.

If an event you added recurs you can indicate this and Teamup will offer a number of options. You can also add a description for your event with simple formatting available in the editor and more customization is allowed using the HTML.

You can get images online or from Dropbox and insert them into your calendar. If you’d like to have more options, you can upgrade to Premium. Premium Members can upload directly to Teamup from other applications like Google Drive or Instagram or straight from their computer. This is pretty handy for those who want all their materials kept in one central area. It allows other users to access everything they need from one place.

A feature I hope the app will develop is the option to add custom fields. While the option can’t be had yet, it will not totally turn you off. It will not give you a reason not to use this App altogether, either. But if the creators of Teamup can make way for it to happen then they can continue to lead the pack of online calendar providers. However, users and would be users can be comforted by the fact that most calendar tools don’t offer this feature, either.

Numerous views and multiple calendars

While you can choose to view all calendars at once, you can also decide not to view the others that are not relevant at a given time. During such times, you can toggle each particular calendar on and off as you need to. Isn’t this a great feature? You can easily pull out the ones you need for a particular time and you can leave out those that are not needed. When the situation requires you to check all calendars, you have the freedom to do so. This applies to each user via cookies, not via URL. This means, each user can view what they exactly want to check at any given time.

Based on the people I have interviewed, one of the app’s most popular qualities is the way it’s designed to make it easy for users to share calendars with teammates or anybody they choose to. No registration is required. All you need is a unique URL. (When you create a calendar and you save it, you’ll be given a unique URL). These links can be altered depending on the permissions you wish to grant to each team member. Example: one link can allow a user to modify the calendar. Another link can designate a read-only permission to another member.

In case you have multiple calendars, you can also alter the permission levels for each calendar. And this can be all done from the same link. With this feature, you can grant someone access to one calendar and opt to hide another. Sharing your calendars with other people is so simple and quick.

A unique feature: Share events as webpages

Another feature everybody is talking about is Teamup’s share any individual event independently (without sharing the whole calendar). Yup, calendars are not the only items you can share; you can also share any entry from the calendar as a stand-alone event with a unique web URL. How to do it? click or right-click any event title, then click Share – as page. Simple, baby! You can check a step by step guide here.

Subscription Plans and pricing

Depending on your team’s requirements, you can pick one from several plans. What’s good about Teamup is that for all plans including the Basic Plan, there’s unlimited number of users. Regarding sub-calendars, though, it’s where Premium and Plus Plans have advantages. You can see the specifics on the screenshot (from Teamup’s website) featured here.

The more expensive plans have longer duration for your calendar’s data history. And if you want an additional layer of privacy protection, you can opt to get the Plus or Premium Plans. The Basic Plan and Special Introductory Plan don’t have this feature. Another added feature for the Premium Plan is the ability to upload files.

The Introductory Special Plan offers up to 10 sub-calendars, a year of historical data and the scheduler view. If you sign up now, you’ll get this for free on a continuous basis. Simply put, it’s forever. So … if you’re considering Teamup, it’s best not to delay registering to secure those handy extras.

Most of the people I have talked to regarding using online calendars say if they are satisfied with the calendar they use, they can concentrate more on personal and team productivity. So far, among all the calendars they have tried, Teamup Calendar stands out from the crowd, most especially regarding its being user friendly and its share-centric qualities.

Featured photo credit: Macbook Computer/VFS Digital Design via imcreator.com

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11 Books From The Past 5 Years That Are Worth Reading For Every Woman

Thousands of books are published every year. You enter a bookstore and you can surely get lost in all this variety. If you love to read, I bet you always face this problem of too little time and too many books. You constantly confront the challenge of picking the next piece of work to read among hundreds of new novels, memoirs, sequels, professional books, short stories, etc.

The lists of books can be endless as writers all over the world are super active now. We have numerous lists of books for students, for kids, for businessmen, science books, marketing books, etc. I decided to make a list of recent books that are perfect for a woman of any age to read. Of course, every woman has her own taste and reading preferences, but we all are united by the love for emotional, thought-provoking, heart-warming, life-changing, captivating and inspiring books. Those were my criteria while making this list. It is fair to notice that it is only a drop in the sea of great books available now, but it is a great drop to start with. Enjoy!

The Goldfinch written by Donna Tartt

Donna Tartt spent more than 10 years writing this novel. The main character is a 13-year old boy, who saw his mother die in the blast in a museum. The book got many positive reviews and the author received the Pulitzer Prize for it in 2014. Her writing was compared to Dickenson and Bradbury and Steven King said that he could barely name 5 good books that were as good as this one in the last 10 years. They say there is going to be a movie, so hurry up and read it before.

Bad Feminist written by Roxane Gay

It is a great collection of witty, funny and sincere essays revealing many different questions, clichés, problems and facts about feminism. Roxane Gay explains why she is a “bad feminist”, what feminism looks like these days and how it can and should look.

Until I Say Goodbye written by Susan Spencer-Wendel and Bret Witter

This is an inspiring autobiographical story of fighting. Susan finds out that she has a deadly disease and starts to live her life to make it worth. Her intention now is to prove that every day is better if it is filled with joy and no one can fill your days with joy but you. This book is truly inspiring; it makes you think about your life and how many great things you can do now.

Everything I Never Told You written by Celeste Ng

Family tragedies happen every day all over the world. Celeste Ng decided to write about one of the most terrible ones – death of a kid. It is hard to believe that this is the first novel written by Celeste, as her descriptions are so live and believable that you feel like you are a reading a book of a very experienced writer.  The book touches many serious social and personal questions and definitely will not leave anyone indifferent.

Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy written by Helen fielding

Bridget Jones is a famous character known and loved all over the world. We’ve already read two books and seen two movies with this charming and hilarious girl. Now she is older, she is a widow and has two kids. But she still manages to get into silly situations and desperately look for the ways out. Everyone who has missed this lovable character has to read this book!

Me Before You written by Jojo Moyes

We all enjoy a good and emotional novel, right? “Me before you” is a bestselling book that would be perfect for every woman to read. It is a story about an active businessman who has to be in a wheelchair after an accident and a simple woman who enters his world and changes it drastically. The novel strikes with its sincerity and touching nature and reminds everyone that all people have the right and the choice to keep their dignity no matter what the situation is.

The Lifeboat written by Charlotte Rogan

This is a 2012 novel that became a bestseller right away. The story is extraordinary and captivating making you want to read it all at once. A big ship is wrecked and a group of people is stuck on a lifeboat searching for a rescue. The plot will keep you strained and make you feel like you are there, on that lifeboat trying to survive among the people you can barely trust.

Wild written by Cheryl Strayed

If you want to read something inspiring, this is it. This is an actual story that touches you deeply. It is the story of a woman who hit the bottom, losing her mother, cheating on her husband and using drugs.  Her way out of this mess is truly inspiring: she decides to solo hike and chooses an incredibly difficult 1,100 mile trail. On her way she overcomes physical and mental troubles, takes a deep look at her life and thinks about the solutions. It is truly an amazing book for every woman to read.

Secret Garden written by Johanna Basford

This is not an actual book as we know it. But it is a great way to relax and to say goodbye to stress. Johanna Basford created this unique coloring craze for adults that has been incredibly successful all over the world. It awakes your creative side and allows you to spend some time in peace and quiet creating something beautiful.

Room written by Emma Donoghue

This is a heartbreaking story about a five year old boy who has been living his whole life in one room and his mother who has been kidnapped by a cruel maniac and kept in a soundproofed shed by his house. The story is described by the boy who has no idea that there is the whole world out there. The book is unique and sometimes quite hard to read, but it is definitely a worthy story to be told.

Act like a lady, think like a man written by Steve Harvey

Surely, the times when women saw their main purpose in pleasing their men are long gone. However, I bet that every woman wants to know men, their way of thinking, their reasons, etc. better. Famous comedian Steve Harvey decided to cast some light on these questions for women in a very witty and clever way. It is not a book on how to get a man and please a man; it is a book on how to understand them and see the difference between men’s and women’s perception of the world.

Featured photo credit: Beach reading/Anne Adrian via flickr.com

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